The Part of Boundary Work No One Talks About...
The shift that happens long before the words leave your mouth.
As soon as anyone mentions healing from people-pleasing, one of the first comments is “You need to learn to set boundaries!”
And after years of saying “yes” when your gut was screaming “no,” taking on more than you could handle because you didn’t want to be rude, staying quiet about your preferences and opinions because you didn’t want to be a burden or upset anyone- yes, boundaries are definitely necessary.
But what most people don’t tell you is that the first (and in my opinion, most important) boundaries aren’t those you vocalize to other people- they’re the quiet promises you make to yourself to act with integrity, authenticity, and alignment.
**I did eventually have an “oh shit” moment when I realized I was at my breaking point and needed to set some really hard boundaries with people I cared about during a pivitol time in my life. Still, it’s not what led me to healing in the beginning. Instead, it came from this quote I read in an article about being more assertive:
Whenever we avoid conflict by keeping our feelings to ourselves, we do ourselves and others a disservice. This is a form of dishonesty and manipulation. We’re trying to control the other person’s reactions by controlling what we tell them.
-Doreen Virtue (*I realize she’s become a little problematic within the spiritual community in recent years, but I did love her work before she denounced it.)
All my life, I’d prided myself on being truthful and couldn’t stand when people lied to me or were manipulative. So, let me tell ya, when I saw those words…the script was flipped. These were the last things I wanted to be.
I don’t believe true healing happens through shame or self-blame. (I actually tried that and it took me much longer because I ended up having to untie all of that mess too!) But I do believe that it begins with self-honesty. The reality is, when we don’t have clear boundaries—even if it’s coming from a place of fear, caretaking, or survival—it can unintentionally create confusion and even hurt the people around us. That doesn’t mean we’ve done something wrong; it just means there’s something deeper asking to be seen and released.
For many of us (myself included), people-pleasing isn’t just a pattern; it’s a trauma response. (I wrote more about that here if you missed it.) So I get it. We don’t just wake up one day and change the way we show up in the world. We have to unravel, rewire, and relearn… and we have to do it with care.
That’s why I want to help you take it slow.
So, are you ready? Here are some of the very first boundaries I set with myself when I began healing:
No white lies. White lies seem harmless, but they are such a slippery slope! If we want to learn to honor ourselves, we must stop making excuses that we believe will be more palatable to others. My “Oh no, I completely forgot I have to do this today!” became, “I apologize if it causes any problems, I’m just really tired and can’t make it today.” Bonus: you don’t have to remember any random bullshit you made up when they ask you about it later. ;)
Learning to kindly address things with the person involved when I had a problem, instead of “venting” to others. When we “vent” to others, we’re not solving the problem. Instead, we’re casting that energy onto a completely uninvolved person and creating a villain in a story that was most likely just a simple miscommunication. If someone has upset us or made us angry, how will they know how to fix it in the future if we don't address it?
I know this can seem scary, but it’s really not nearly as hard when you tap into how you are feeling and speak from your heart. “Hey, can we talk? I’m sure it wasn’t intentional, but what you said/did the other day hurt me. I felt _____.” This is how deep connection happens. This is how you learn to feel seen after a lifetime of never feeling like people knew the “real” you. It allows others to clear the air, learn how you do and don’t want to be treated, and gives you deeper insight into how the other person’s mind works. It’s a beautiful thing! Trust.
And while we’re on that- no gossiping. This one is kind of a tag-along for number 2. However, the energy behind it is a little different. Codependent and enmeshed social circles (the environments that cause the fawn or “people-pleasing” trauma response) often thrive on casting judgment. Most conversations revolve around other people and what they are and aren’t doing correctly in life, rather than discussing things that are enriching and uplifting. To avoid falling into the same patterns with different people, I changed the way I conversed. Unless we’re talking about something awesome another person is doing and how good their life is going, I’m not interested.
Pausing and saying, “Let me think about it,” instead of immediately agreeing. It’s hard to say “no” at first! I’ve been doing this for nearly a decade and still struggle sometimes. However, you can pause and say, “That sounds interesting! Let me think about it!” and then answer in a text or call once you’ve had time to regulate your nervous system and move from a clear head.
Practicing taking up space in my meditations and throughout the day. As people-pleasers and HSPs, our default is often absorbing the energy of the room around us to scan for social cues. No wonder we feel so small! Taking up space is an energetic practice, and honestly, one of my favorites. It doesn’t take long, all you have to do is: notice your feet on the ground. Feel an energetic bubble expanding around you. Let your own energy fill it and expand it as far as you’d like. Allow yourself to take up space. You can do this whether you’re at home on the couch or at the grocery store! Try it.
Making personal choices without asking (or even telling) anyone else. This one is pretty self-explanatory. Does it make you happy? Who cares what anyone else thinks? And if you think they’re going to offer up an opinion even though you didn’t ask for it… Don’t tell them.
Making choices about what to eat for dinner or where to go, even when I thought “it doesn’t matter to me!” To this day, when my husband asks me, “red or white?” when pulling out a bottle of wine, my default response is: “I don’t care!” because honestly, I don’t. I like both. Still, I make a decision even though it seems like it doesn’t matter to me. Practicing those small decisions is what helps you work your way up to the bigger ones. Even if you think you don’t care what movie you watch, where you go to eat, or what time you meet up, make a decision. Believe me, the people in your life will be grateful that you finally spoke up, and you’ll be laying the groundwork for feeling more comfortable expressing bigger things down the road.
No more expecting people to “just know” when I was upset or needed something the same way I did for them. As empaths and HSPs, we often just know when other people are upset. We can sense when they have something on their minds, and we are very attuned (or hypervigilant- take your pick) to needs. However, other people aren’t mindreaders, and we shouldn’t expect them to be. Part of learning to be comfortable with our emotions and feelings is learning to express them clearly and effectively. If there is a problem, we need to speak up!
Being honest with myself when I’m upset or going through a hard time. It’s possible that this one should have gone before number 8. Honestly, in my personal experience, this has been the most challenging thing for me to learn about myself. My nervous system had been on overload, and I had lived in survival mode for most of my life. We often push through it, pretending everything is fine, until we can no longer take it and crash out. It took me a lot of practice, but I've noticed subtle signs that indicate I need to slow down or ask for help. If you’re interested, let me know in the comments! I could make a whole post just about this one!
Asking myself if this is really what I want in this moment or if it’s just what I think I should want. When I first started healing, I realized that so much of my life was lived on autopilot. I told myself that these were my internal truths because they felt normal, or what the people around me believed. I was “shoulding” all over myself, thinking I should feel this way, I should be doing these things, I should want certain things, I should achieve specific goals, believe or act a certain way. This one, to me, is the very most fun thing to unravel. I realized so much about myself. The more I acknowledged what I wanted in each moment, the more at home I felt in my body and the more I began to love the woman who had been hiding underneath everyone else’s cultural norms and expectations. Talk about freedom!
These boundaries might seem small on the surface, but they were everything for me. They helped me rebuild the trust I’d lost with myself after years of silencing my needs and dimming my light for the comfort of others.
And I’ll be completely honest with you - I don’t know if I’ll ever master these things. Just like so much of healing, I don’t believe it’s a destination, but a gentle and ongoing practice. I don’t always get it “right,” but now I notice when I slip into old patterns, and I bring myself back with compassion, not shame.
So much of healing isn’t about setting the big hard boundaries with others, it’s about the quiet, daily act of showing up for yourself and choosing what feels in alignment with your soul.
And it’s okay to begin with the tiniest shift! You don’t need to overhaul your life to start showing up with more honesty and self-trust. You just need one small decision today that says: “I’m allowed to take up space. I’m allowed to have needs. I’m allowed to honor myself.”
Start there, and I’ll be here to walk with you through the rest. If you found this helpful, please consider giving it a like, commenting, or sharing it! And if you haven’t subscribed already, please do! It’s completely free to have me as your support buddy. :)
All my love,
Lauren