Overgiving Is Not a Love Language
How to stop managing everyone’s comfort and start honoring your own
Reclaiming Your Energy
After a lifetime of being told we were “too sensitive”- somehow both too much and not enough all at once- we now recognize that our natural ability to be incredibly in touch with our emotions and our capacity for deep empathy is a superpower, not a burden.
While we may have once felt like we had to read the room, walk on eggshells, and be the containers for the emotions of everyone around us, we know that we have the power to use our intuition to reclaim our power instead of using it to feel safe around others who were incapable or unwilling to tap into and regulate their own emotions.
We’re finally realizing what we’ve always known deep down: that we learned these character traits out of need for survival.
Now that we’ve established the root causes and cleared up any misconceptions about our sensitivity, it’s time to reclaim our power! (And if you missed any of these things or need to be reminded, I’ve added the links right here for you to look back on! Feel free to use them as often as you wish!)
Where Your Energy is Really Going
Let’s set the scene.
It’s getting warmer outside, and your friends decide a barbecue would be the perfect way to kick off the weekend. Julie offers up her yard. You don’t want to seem like the kind of person who puts in the bare minimum effort, so you chime in that you’ll bring the hamburger meat and buns.
But then there’s a pause.
Wait... should you also bring the lettuce, tomatoes, and pickles? You don’t want to seem cheap. Or worse, like you don’t even want to be there. So you blurt out that you’ll bring all the fixings too.
Next thing you know, you’re taking notes on everyone’s burger preferences. Carrie’s kids only eat American cheese. Amy swears you made a homemade aioli she loved a few years ago and asks you to recreate it (you have no memory of this, but you smile and nod anyway, hoping you pinned it on Pinterest). Someone needs gluten-free buns. Someone else requests a low-carb salad. And then the kicker: “You have to make your homemade brownies! They’re my favorite!”
That one gets you. Because it’s not just a dessert request, it’s a chance to be loved and praised while making the other person feel special. WIN!
You stay up late prepping everything, overspend on groceries, and the morning of the party, Julie calls: she can’t host after all. So, you offer your place. Of course you do.
When your friends arrive, you immediately notice tension between two of them. You jump into fixer mode. Make conversation. Keep things light. Pretend you know something about baseball and listen to Amy’s new boyfriend ramble about his favorite team for 15 minutes so he won’t feel left out… all while tidying behind people and checking on the food.
When the party ends, everyone says they had a great time. But on the way out, Amy says, “You know, it was a great party, even without the brownies.” Shit. The brownies. You forgot.
Cue the spiral.
You wanted so badly to make everyone feel happy, cared for, and seen. And yet, here you are, exhausted and beating yourself up over one missed dessert and wondering if your friends are secretly disappointed. Replaying every conversation and feeling like you fell short.
But here’s the truth:
You didn’t fall short.
You just gave more than you had.
Why We Feel So Drained (And Don’t Always Know Why)
People-pleasers and empaths often don’t recognize the true source of their burnout, because it’s not always about saying yes to huge things. It’s death by a thousand tiny energetic paper cuts:
Volunteering before you’re ready
Filling silences with over-giving
Reading the room instead of checking in with yourself
Trying to be the emotional glue for everyone else
Overanalyzing everything after the fact
This isn’t just exhausting. It’s soul-depleting! Because underneath all of it is the fear that if you stop… they’ll stop loving you. But friend, trust me when I say: true friends don’t want you exhausted, stressed out, overspent, and anxious. They want to see you happy, never expected you to manage everything the way you do, and would probably be shocked if they knew that the way you’re just “so sweet and giving” is actually completely draining you and leaving you a little resentful.
I used to really struggle with this concept, but then I started asking myself: how would I feel if I knew that my friends felt worse after a gathering or visiting with me instead of better? If they were secretly unhappy but were afraid to tell me? If they were struggling or had over-extended themselves and were scared of what I would think of them? I’d be so sad, as every friend would! People who get upset with your boundaries (which we’ll discuss next) do not truly have your best interest at heart. And let’s be honest, do we really want people like that in our lives? (Hint- we don’t if we want to heal!)
How to Start Reclaiming Your Energy
You don’t have to overhaul your life to reclaim your power. Let’s start small:
1. Pause before you offer
Instead of jumping in to prove your value, try:
“I can bring the buns! Who’s grabbing the meat?”
If your 'yes' comes from panic, it’s not a genuine yes.
💭 Stop and check in with yourself:
Am I offering from love… or fear of how I’ll be perceived if I don’t?
2. Let pauses be just pauses
A moment of silence isn’t a verdict. It just feels that way because we’re not used to pausing, ourselves! As we learn to create space and answer with intention, we must also learn to extend the same grace to others. We’re all adults in the situation. If they have a concern, it’s their job to communicate it to you.
✨ Affirmation:
I don’t need to perform to be worthy of connection.
3. Stop managing everyone else’s emotions
You are not the group therapist, and it’s not your job to fix the vibe!
🌀 Mini Practice:
When I feel myself scanning the room, I ask: What do I need right now? I like to picture myself calling back my energy from all corners of the room. I let it reabsorb into my body, then I focus on grounding into my root chakra. I am safe. I am safe. I am safe.
4. Let "good enough" actually be enough
You forgot the brownies. You remembered everything else. Love doesn’t disappear over dessert, and honestly, Amy’s kind of a passive-aggressive a-hole for bringing it up the way she did.
🌿 Reframe:
I gave my energy, presence, and care. That was enough.
5. Give yourself a soft landing
Post-event spiraling is optional! Make the time after people leave a sacred time to take care of yourself and reclaim your energy.
Ideas:
Light a candle and journal three things that went well
Burn some sage and thank your space for hosting the people you love (and inviting any energy that doesn’t need to be there to politely exit through the closest open window or door)
Take a solo walk with music that calms you
Take a hot bath or shower to cleanse your energy while replaying your favorite moments of the day
Remind yourself: just because you felt responsible for the party, doesn’t mean you were
A Final Word (to the You Who Is Tired of Overextending)
Reclaiming your energy doesn’t mean you stop caring.
It just means you stop tying your worth to what you do for others.
You’re allowed to take up space without earning it first.
You’re allowed to be present without fixing everything.
And you’re allowed to forget the brownies.
Your presence is enough.
Your care is enough.
You are enough.
Thank you so much for your presence today. Your support means more to me than you’ll ever know. If you found this helpful, please consider giving it a like, commenting, or sharing it with a friend who may also benefit.
And if you’re looking for more profound healing, consider joining our paid community! I offer in-depth explorations of the intuitive energy of each week, along with journaling prompts and meditations to help us deepen our understanding of ourselves as we grow together. I’m looking forward to seeing you there!
All my love,
Lauren